


teh ryden love story

by DearOne



Category: Bandom, Music RPF, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, Ryden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-26
Updated: 2009-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-22 05:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/234368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearOne/pseuds/DearOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon reveals his love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ryan Named Me

**Author's Note:**

> Minor mention/pairing of Brendon/OFC, Ryan/OFC, and Jon/OFC. This had been written and posted on livejournal PRIOR to the split of Panic at the Disco. Beta'd by Shawna (longerthanwedo).  
> Disclaimer: I don't own anybody.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A love story that begins with bad sex, bear naming, slamming doors, taquito eating Spencer, girlfriends, love-seats--and not necessarily in that order, oh my...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Zack Hall and Shane Valdez

ccc

 _It all started with a kiss._

 _Okay, no, this story doesn't really start with a kiss, but fuck, wouldn't it be pretty awesome to start a story with that line? Especially when it's a love story--MY epic, EPIC love story... wouldn't that be cool?_

 _Well, this story, unfortunately, or perhaps it IS fortunately—considering, that yeah, the ending pretty much rules. Whatever the case, this story started with sex._

 _I know, I know, you're probably thinking_ What the hell? Unfortunateness? What the hell? Sex is sex and any sex is good sex, and sex usually includes kissing anyway, so what is Brendon Boyd Urie on about? _That's what you are thinking, right?_

 _Well, let me be one to tell you, not all sex is of the good kind. Trust me, I know._

ccc

"Just a little bit more--more harder. Mmmmpf." The voice shattered my concentration.

"I'm a--" I breathed, trying to regain some sort of control. I tried not to think about the fact that I should have wanted to lose control at that point.

I opened my eyes at the next words I heard.

"Fuck please... I'm so… so close... so..."

And in that moment my hazy made up dream disappeared and reality shrunk in. A questioning look crossed the features of a brunette lying under me. And it was all wrong. So very wrong.

I lost it. It all went downhill from there, or uphill. Uphills are more difficult, you see?

The brunette started to run her hands along my arms and I tried and failed to not pull away.

Then the phone rang. My exit. And I took it. This only confirmed how screwed up my simple life had become.

"Hey Urie!" A familiar voice called out from the other end.

"'Sup?" I replied as if I didn't just fail at sex, or as if the girl next to me didn't just slap my arm as she struggled out of my bed.

"Get your ass here! Spencer is helping me make my home at Ryan's. There's fun to be had here Urie, and you're..." I couldn't make out Jon's next words, but there was definite screaming and laughing on the other end of the phone-line. Or rather, cell phones don't use lines, they're wireless, so I guess it was the other end of the... magic stuff. 'Magic stuff' sounds kind of stupid, I'm sure Ryan would know what word to use. He's that kind of smart. I'm also not certain of the technology of the magic stuff. But I'm certain I wasn't feeling all that connected to the other person at the other end. Maybe my phone lost some of its magic.

"How come you guys started without me? I didn't even know you were here already." I didn't mean to sound so pouty, especially when it was Jon who I was speaking to. I should have sounded chill. Thank the-powers-that-be that he couldn't see my wobbling lip.

"Got into an earlier flight, Ryan picked me up. Hey, what's up?" I guess he used his superjwalk powers and saw my pout something-odd miles away. Great. I must have looked so uncool in his mind, too. It was bad enough he had gotten a hold of my old high school pictures.

"Nothing," I muttered into the phone. "I'll be over in five." Now, that sounded cool, even to me. Too bad though, Jon probably saw through it anyway. Damn him and his supercoolpowers.

ccc

 _I never thought that I was the jealous type at all. I thought that I was as laid back as they come. Pretty girls a plenty that came one minute and left by minute three for their next conquest without even a second glance back--_ Psssh _, who cares? I certainly didn't._

 _People have said that my attention span is as short as... I'll let you decide how to finish that simile. There are so many of them, I can't even decide. Really, everyone I came across had something to say about it, even the ones who were polite enough to not say anything at all. I knew this. Be it an eye-roll, a pat on my leg, or an awkward laugh; it's all the same thing. It all meant the same thing:_ I'm a freak. __

 _I had these pills, pills that were supposed to help me with my problem, my problem that put everybody else ill at ease._

 _But I knew of one person who wasn’t forced to love me, but loved me anyway._

 _My family is forced to; it falls under the unconditional love clause for being a member of the family. And other relatives... well; it's all relative, isn't it? Besides, who really cares? The relationships that seem more, MORE, I don't know, just _more_ , are the relationships that people form, because they were involved in the creation of it. It means putting effort into a relationship because you _want_ to maintain it. Does that make sense?_

In any case that brings me back to the one person who I'm sure loves me despite my problem that I couldn't help to fix. This person told me that he loves me, even if he didn't say so in words. I knew it in the way that he threw away the pills that I hate taking. I knew it in the way that he looked me in the eye and told me "It's not you that needs changing." I knew it in the way that whenever I cross a line, he tells me so, because he, unlike everybody else, isn't afraid to say what's on his mind. He somehow knew that it was exactly what I wanted, needed, wished I could do, too.

Sure, I said things without thinking; I normally say what's on my mind. But it's different from speaking your mind. That's what he does. It takes a lot to do what he does naturally. People have said that he could be an ass. People said that he could be cold. People said that he could be difficult. I never said and or thought any of those things about him, even now. And I think this was how I showed him that I love him.

I told him that I loved him too, but he didn’t understand this. He didn't understand how a person could love a person like him. This was the only thing about him that I found stupid. Not to say I didn't love that part of him as well. To tell you the truth, I thought it was kind of cute. But sometimes I would wonder: Did he not know himself? Did he not see himself? What was there to NOT love? __

 _The thing though, there was not many people who could stand me. Spencer, he stands me, likes me too. He loves Ryan like a brother; so, some say that once you get passed that hurdle, doing anything else is cake. Zack loves me too, I think this is because he is so damn protective and thinks I'm such a fucking kid that it gives him more of an edge, it makes him feel more needed, which is a good thing because the band needs him. I need him. Shane, he's cool with me too. If Jon equals cool, then Shane equals cucumber. See what I did there? That's a simile disguised as a metaphor. Cool as a cucumber... Now, I know what you're thinking, in that simile cool means cool, like cold, and not cool like Shane, or Jon for that matter. But don't mess this up for me, okay? Now, Jon, he loves everybody. And everybody includes me. Got that?_

 _And I'm not hating on Jon, I love the guy, but sometimes I wished that he wasn't himself. Sometimes I wished that Jon wasn't Jon._

 _Jon moved in with Ryan. Not in an everyday, permanent way. He was only to stay at Ryan's whenever he was in Vegas. It was a lot easier than making hotel reservations and the like. This way, 'he has a home away from home.' It was Ryan who said that. And that was one of those times when I wished Jon wasn't Jon because I love Jon, and he definitely deserves a "home away from home," but fuck, why did he get to have that with Ryan?_

ccc

I brushed my hand through my hair before I rang the doorbell to Ryan's home--Ryan and Jon's home. I thought maybe I should have showered, I still smelled like sex. No, actually, I think I was fine the way I was, I smelled like sex.

Spencer opened the door, a taquito hanging in-between his lips. He pulled it from his mouth after he took a bite and closed the door. "Hey man, you're late."

"Hey. I didn't know to be early. No one told me. Where is everybody?"

Spencer nodded to the couch as he swallowed the rest of his taquito down. "Taking a break from moving things."

"He brought two suitcases, how much moving could that involve?" I rolled my eyes.

"A lot of moving when things from said suitcases don't match the _decor_ of the house," Spencer said a little too loudly.

And I guess the tone served its purpose when I heard Ryan call out: "Not only does his shit NOT match, it’s just… _ugly._ " Ryan wasn’t in my line of sight at that moment, but I didn’t need to see him to know that he had scrunched his nose in that way of his.

I also knew without seeing that Jon would be giving him that look of his. You know that look of his that’s a cross from ‘how dare you say such things’ and ‘I see what you did there,’ kind of looks. Yeah, that look. That _all-knowing_ look was accompanied with a smirk. "Not match? This from the dude who coordinates flowers with stripes?" Jon had retorted.

I made my way to the living room where they were both sprawled on the love-seat. I saw no need for the both of them to be sharing the two-seater when there was a perfect, _larger_ couch in the same room that was left unoccupied. That was until Spencer decided to plop down and splay himself across it.

So I sat on a squashy thing near the coffee table, feeling a bit awkward.

Ryan raised an eyebrow at me. I already knew what he was thinking. A second passed in silence. And he had let it go.

"So, Bren, did you know that Jon has a teddy bear named Bob?" Ryan said this as he looked over at Jon, who didn't even try to stop Ryan from divulging such a secret. And like all juicy secrets, I was all over it.

"No way! Why Bob, Jon? I wanna see it? Where is he?"

"My girlfriend gave it to me and what else would you call a bear? And I don't know where he is. Ryan hid him, along with all my other things.”

Ryan laughed. "Even Brenny Bear makes for a better name."

Jon chuckled. "Oh, and what name did you name your bear? And don't say you didn't have any bears, _everyone_ had a teddy bear at some point."

Ryan narrowed his eyes and bit his lip as he took a moment to gather his thoughts. "No, I don't think I had any bears. There was this one time when I gave one to an old girlfriend as a gift. I stole it back though because…” He paused for another moment. “Well, actually, I guess you can say Bren is my bear." Ryan grinned as he looked at me and effectively, changed the subject in the process. "I'd name him something cool too, like… Peppy or Baby. Or Peppababy!" Ryan smiled now, looking like a kid who got his first teddy.

"Peppababy?" Jon rolled his eyes.

"I like it," I say and all eyes landed on me.

"Dude, not even Disney could think of a name so… so schmoopy," Jon said, laughing.

"You're just jealous that Ryan named me and hates your teddy's name." I said, and I think it came out a little too strongly. But it was too late anyway to take my words back.

"Yeah, yeah, I admit, I'm jealous." Jon placed a hand behind the chair, which actually meant putting his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "Hey Ross, what happened to the bear that you stole back?"

Ryan shrugged. "Beheaded it, ripped out its stuffing, that sort of thing. The head part came in handy; I used its button eyes to replace the buttons I lost on one of my shirts."

"Wow," Jon said. "I don't feel so jealous now. I hope you keep your eyes, Peppababy." Jon smiled as he stood up and stretched. "Who wants more taquitos?"

ccc

Two weeks later, I walked into Ryan and Jon's house. Jon was sitting on the couch. He motioned me over and patted his hand on the empty seat beside him, asking for me to sit.

So, I sat there, feeling like an idiot. I wondered if he really could hear the thoughts in my head. And if he heard the thoughts that were running through my head since the day he moved in with Ryan, I would have died. Because I did--DO love him. Fuck, what kind of friend am I?

"They're at it again." Jon said into my ear.

"What? Who?" I whispered back. But Jon didn't need to answer because then I hear it: shouting behind closed doors. It was time for a break-up between Ryan and his girlfriend. Again.

I sighed.

They did this all the time. And when I heard Ryan finally scream, "fine!" I distinctly remember the feeling of my own heart breaking. I wanted to take away the pain from Ryan’s voice. And I wanted to do things like murder when his girlfriend stormed out of the room, yelling, "You messed up, Ryan Ross! You don't deserve me!"

Ryan came out of the room and I watched him stare her down. "Well, in that case, maybe _he_ DOES deserve you after all."

Ryan flinched when the front door slammed, but he walked back into his room like nothing even happened. His bedroom door clicked softly shut.

"Did you know about this?" Jon asked.

My first thought was, ‘how could you NOT know when you play to the man's lyrics practically every night.’ And then I realized what he was really asking. "No. No, not really, no."

Jon nodded. "Maybe he shouldn't be alone."

"He shouldn't be," I said.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's obvious man. Go and get the fuck on with it. If you don't, then she, or someone like her, is going to find a way into his life. And I'm going to have to watch _you_ break every time you sing _his_ words."

Everything fell into place.

"How did you--"

"Know? Because I'm fucking Jon Walker."

"Hey, I'm sorry if I..."

"Forget it man, if I had _me_ for competition, I'd be bitter too." Jon smiled.

"I wasn't bitter."

"Yeah Urie, you kind of were."

"I love you, Walker."

"I love you too." Jon laughed. "And just so you know, it sounds kind of lame when you use my last name."

"You don't say that when Spencer uses it."

"Yeah, but Spencer is Spencer and you, Brendon, are Brendon... And that's okay."

And that is why I love Jon Walker. He's totally cool.

ccc

I didn't say anything when I walked into Ryan's room.

I found him curled into a ball on his bed. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t crying or anything. Not even sleeping, I could tell by his uneven breathing. He was just… _there_.

I joined him on his bed. His back was to my chest and I hugged him to me. I heard him let out a sound, a cross from a sigh and a choke. I felt his shoulders relax through the layers of our clothes and I listened to his breathing become steadier.

"Hey, Bren," he said, without even looking back. This made my heart swell because I realized that he didn't even need to look to know it was me who was there with him.

I raised my head and whispered into the crook of his shoulder and neck. "What is it?"

"You really are my bear, aren't you?"

"Always, Ry. Always."

"I won't rip off your head then," Ryan said against the pillow.

"Good, because I kind of like that it's attached to my neck. It makes living easier. And plus, I wouldn't be able to eat, I like being able to eat. That, and I wouldn't be able to sing, which would suck if I wasn't able to because then I wouldn't be of much use as lead singer in the band... would you guys kick me out?"

"Oh, I don't know about that," Ryan said as he turned around in my arms to face me. His hands went up, and I felt his fingers thread through my hair. His eyes searched mine and in that deep voice of his, he muttered: "you could always play the piano."

I was about to speak, but Ryan took my words away when he placed a finger to my lips.

"But then again, I wouldn’t be able to do this." And then he kissed me.

George Ryan Ross kissed me, and did you know that his initials spell out GRR?

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: ‘unfortunateness’ is not a word. Brendon made it up because he can;)


	2. Ryan Kissed Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing gummy bears. It's more than you think.

ccc

 _So, we had kissed for the first time that day._

 _We kissed again for the second time soon after the first, which was five hours and twenty-two minutes later. It was just after Ryan woke up. Not that I was counting the minutes or watching him sleep or anything creepy like that._

 _The second kiss was quickly followed by our third, fourth, fifth kiss. We had kissed again and again. And again, and…_

 _Ryan and I kissed._

 _We kissed, Ryan and me._

 _No matter how it's written, it sounds exciting, doesn't it? Ryan kissed me. That's my favorite one._

 _Now, if you're reading this, you are probably also aware of the band I am in. And if you are aware of the band I am in, you probably know all about the "Ryden" hoopla that's out there. That may be the reason why you're reading this. Don't worry if that's the truth, trust me, I'd read it too, even if I weren’t the writer. It's good stuff, this love story I'm writing. And now you're thinking, 'Dude, get back to the fucking brilliant story that involves all the kissing you were going to tell us about!' Okay, okay._

 _So, yes, if you are aware of all the rumors, you probably know how they got started. It's no real secret. We did play to an audience after all._

 _Well, in the event that you aren't aware, ~~though, how could that be is beyond me, unless you were in a hole or something~~ I had kissed Ryan before that "first" kiss. That’s how the rumors started. Or perhaps it was even before then. Perhaps the rumors started when I had auditioned and met Ryan for the first time. No, it wasn’t the rumors that had started then… _we_ had started. And the rumors simply followed. _

The truth is, I had kissed him numerous times, but always when we were in the safety net of hundreds—perhaps even thousands?--of screaming girls surrounding us. You see, I never had the nerve to kiss Ryan on the lips. I never thought I could push our theatrics that far.

I tested him though--every night on stage, I tested him. And I was constantly wondering—always thinking. Did he only think it was entertainment for the fans? Did he want to be kissed? Did he want it as much as I did? Did he want me?

And night after night, he had pulled away from my touch, from my advances. A blush creeping up his cheek, which told me that no, he was not ready for it. He was not ready for me to kiss him when we were alone, when it could mean something entirely different.

It's not like I had thought that because I love him in _that_ way that he had to love me in _that_ way as well. It's just that I guess I always felt something between us, a sort of spark every time he was near… a spark just waiting to ignite and explode. And I was only waiting for it, because I knew that it would one day go off. I kept at it because I wasn’t alone.

I wasn't alone in the feeling that this love between us surpassed band-mate love and best friend forever love. No, I am talking about love like crazy love; passionate love; never ending love; beautiful love; soul mate love… that kind of love, you know? That's the stuff I felt.

Well, I know now, the reason why I never took my chance to kiss him when we were alone--to show him that I wasn't only playing up to the screaming girls around us--was because _I_ was not ready for it.

Granted, kissing someone for the first time is always difficult. Always. That may be why I wasn't ready. Or maybe I was just scared shitless.

And in how it turned out, it was just so like him to make it seem so easy.

Like he wrote the kiss before it happened.

Long fingers dancing in black hair? Check.  
Soft, muttered words? Check.  
A hint of a smile? Check.  
A finger brushing softly across a hushed mouth? Check.  
A quiet breath? Check.  
And then the most earth shattering, mind-blowing kiss to ever, EVER happen in the world that we live in? Check.  
Make that double check.

It was really only a peck on the lips that lasted no more than a fraction of a second. Who knew it would only a take a fraction of a second to cause so much commotion? I sure didn't, and he sure didn't. How I know? He told me.

He told me that it was the hardest and the easiest thing he has ever done in his life. I can understand this. Ryan Ross, he's pretty much a walking contradiction. And besides that, he did a lot of things that are considered difficult, like eating only the green gummy bears out of a package that contains maybe only twenty, total. You see my point? How could a person eat only the green gummy bears from an assorted package? I mean, what if there was only like, two green gummy bears? How could you only eat two gummy bears when like the other eighteen are just waiting to be eaten? That takes strength, and willpower, and strength. And yet he makes it seem as if it takes only little effort, like it doesn't mean anything at all. Like he didn't just do something that people would consider impossible.

Don't believe me? Yeah, well, I wouldn't have either, but it's true stuff.

ccc

"Hey, Spence?"

"Yeah, man?" Spencer said as he popped his head through the opened door that divides the driver side and the kitchen part of our bus.

"Where are all the gummies at?" I asked as I rummaged through the cabinets.

I don't get an answer from Spencer, just muttered words, but I swear I heard him say “...maybe you should ask your gummy bear lovin' boyfriend."

I don't know why, but that made me smile. Okay, I knew why, it was sort of like that warm, gooey feeling you get when someone refers to your boyfriend as your boyfriend even when we haven't even made it official yet. No, actually, it was _exactly_ like that.

Anyway, what made me smile even more is that I found a pack of gummy bears behind Jon's strawberry pop tarts that I've never seen him eat.

I ripped open the package and rushed over to the middle-back part of the bus, the part that we like to call the lounge area.

Ryan was sitting with his feet atop the cushions of the sofa, which is more like a ledge. He was sitting there with a notebook in his lap, headphones covering his ears, and a pencil between his lips. His fingers tapped against the side of his opened notebook. And when he noticed me, he tilted his head up and pulled out the pencil from his mouth, and smiled. It was a beautiful.

For a moment I didn't remember why I was there, other than to bask in the comfortable warmth that surrounded me whenever Ryan smiled.

When he pulled his headphones off, he raised a questioning brow, and I somehow found my words. "Hey, last package." I held up the gummy bears to show him.

Ryan nodded once, and returned back to his notebook. He didn't do this as if to ignore me, I knew because he shifted and crossed his legs, Indian style, to allow room for me to sit on the sofa beside him.

I sat down and popped a red gummy into my mouth. The red gummy was quickly followed by a clear one. I chewed gummy after gummy, waiting for a green one to come. It didn't come until I was down to the last one. And that's when I came to the sinking realization that the last gummy was a green one.

I looked over to Ryan, who was scribbling in his notebook, and who was completely unaware that he will only have one gummy to eat out of a package of twenty-three.

 _Fuck_ , I thought, _how could there be only one?_ I turned the package around and read the words, ‘Questions? Comments?’ I thought to myself that I was going to have to call them and ask what the hell they were thinking. _Do they not realize that Ryan only eats the green ones?_ And my comment, it would not have been of the good kind.

I looked over at Ryan again.

"Hey, Ry."

Ryan looked up and held out his hand, expecting me to drop all the green gummies onto his palm.

I didn’t know why it really even mattered so much then, but it did. And I didn’t want to break the news to him.

There's a thing we do whenever we eat a pack of gummy bears. If he opens a package, he picks out the green ones and gives me all the others. And when I open a package, I always save the green ones for him. Now, it may not seem fair, but it works between us. For some reason I never had a taste for the green gummies, and Ryan, well, his favorite color is green. So it works.

"What's wrong?" Ryan was saying now, he bit his lip as he waited for me.

"There's only one.”

"Oh," Ryan said. That's _all_ he said.

I handed him the last gummy. He smiled and popped it into his mouth. I didn't see him start to chew it though. He only resumed what he was doing. He scribbled something in his notebook.

"So, Ryan.."

"Yeah?" He said without looking up.

"Did you like just swallow the gummy whole? You didn't get the flavor of it, there's only one."

"I didn't swallow it. I still have it." Ryan looked at me and smirked.

"Oh," I said. To be honest, I was thinking that maybe he didn't understand my point. Or maybe he was saying that he didn't eat it at all and still had it in his hand. Did he think he could get me to believe that he didn't do something when I saw with my own two eyes that he did, in fact, put the gummy in his mouth? Well, let me tell you, after I watched him _not_ move his jaw for what seemed like minutes, I began to question it. _Did I really see him put the gummy in his mouth?_ Maybe I imagined it.

"Bren?"

"Yeah?"

"Come here." I, of course, went to him.

He pulled me to him, and when he tilted his head, I knew what he was thinking of doing. It was kind of strange, because although he had initiated our first kiss, he didn't often show his affection at random times of the day. Not that I was complaining or anything, I mean, it's all a part of it, isn't it? It was just something very new, and that was okay, because our relationship was new, barely a week old.

The kiss quickly became something else, something much more involving. Something that included tongue and teeth, and noises that came from the back of the throat. And the kiss ended with a gummy in my mouth. I almost did not notice because whenever Ryan and I kissed my brain sort of melts. I noticed when I tried and failed to lick my lips and opened my eyes to see Ryan smirking because I _didn't_ lick my lips. I did, however, bite down on the side of my tongue instead because I tasted something sweet and soft against it. I realized a few seconds later that it was the green gummy.

"That's what I meant," Ryan said as he smiled, and then as if he didn't need to further explain, he went back to his notebook.

"Oh," I said and nodded as if I totally understood. But I didn't really care anyway, because my mind went back to mush in reflection of my first kiss that involved more than just lips with Ryan.

"I didn't swallow it because there was just one. I wanted to savor it, so I kept it in my mouth, to wait for the juice to melt." He said without looking up.

"Oh," I said again, understanding now. "Ohhhh, uhm." I realized that I didn't swallow the gummy in my mouth. I'm not sure if it was because my brain wasn't quite working right yet, or because I wanted to keep it longer on my tongue, because it seemed like it tasted sweeter. It tasted like the kiss that just passed between us. _Oh_. I looked at Ryan and found my words. "It's been a while since I tasted green; I think it tastes the best."

"Hmmm, I never really thought as green tasting better. I just like the color."

"No, no I think green has the best taste," I said as I pulled Ryan's notebook away and went in for another kiss. This time I started the kiss. And this time we were not on stage. This was not in front of hundreds of screaming girls. This was not testing. This kiss was not on the cheek, it was mouth to mouth, lips to lips, tongue to tongue. It was sharing. This kiss was sharing more than just a green gummy bear.

It was pretty exciting, this thing that was happening between Ryan and me.

TBC


	3. Ryan Found Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon brings his cats onto the Panicmobile, and it leads to other things.

ccc

 _We had a short break so we decided to spend it at home in Vegas. Jon decided to come with us because his parents were on vacation. That, and he was able to bring his cats along with him this time around. You could imagine our trip home. And that's road trip, mind. A road trip across USA, the long way, and that’s with Jon's cats._

 _I don't mind animals, love 'em in fact. I love being on the road too. I swear it. Everyone complains about it, but I don't see the problem. I love everything about it, the cramped bunks, and the toilet you can't take a crap in. The little spaces, the time I get to spend with Ryan, just everything. But it so happened that this time around, my time with Ryan got exchanged with attention seeking catwhores, AKA Jon's cats, Dylan and Clover. Now, I could say that because Jon and I are like Mario and Luigi, only not, because we aren't plumbers. Jon knows I secretly love his cats even if I curse them every chance I get. But I guess the secret is out. Heh, the cat's out of the bag. Haha! Sometimes I... yeah, anyway._

 _The way Ryan is with animals, it's sickening. Or maybe I should say the way animals are with Ryan is sickening._

 _Okay, it's kind of cute, what with the cats' big eyes and itty bitty noses that seem to nuzzle Ryan all the damn time. I don't know what it is, but for some reason whenever Ryan is around they always look to him for attention._

 _Pete's dog is the worst. Hemingway, yeah, I swear, I think Pete trained his damn dog to like guard Ryan or something, because when another person who happens to NOT be Pete, and gets close to Ryan, the dog has a barking fit. Ryan thinks it's cute, Pete thinks it's hilarious. And I think they are all insane._

 _I tried once to be all stealthy like._

 _Hemingway was eating lunch, and I thought it perfect opportunity to sneak in and kiss my boyfriend's cheek and hopefully, get a little cuddle time with him. But I was wrong, so very wrong. The second I got close enough to wrap my arms around Ryan, all hell broke loose._

 _Hemingway was charging at us, barking. Zack was running to see what the commotion was about, yelling. And Pete was somewhere in the background laughing. Later, I found out that he actually captured the whole damn scene on his cell phone. The part where I got revenge is another story. I'll have to remember to tell you that another time. Remind me if I don't._

 _So, when Hemingway reached us, I think I peed a little--hey, my life was in danger, okay?! Don't give me any of that scaredy-cat (hah, I did it again!) business, you’d have peed too._

 _Anyway, just when Hemingway was close enough, he came to a stop when Ryan bent down and started cooing, and the mangy dog got all soft and cuddly at Ryan's touch._

 _Now, if you haven't seen Ryan with animals, you haven't seen adorable. The road trip home though, got me to come to the conclusion that if I never have to see Ryan again with any sort of animal. Be it cats, dogs, koalas, it would be too soon._

 _Wait, I take that back, I always want to see Ryan. Always._

ccc

"Are we there yet?" I asked no one in particular.

"No," was the collective reply from the various corners of the Panicmobile.

Maybe there was about half a day's worth of travel time left and only one more stop ahead before we were able to drive direct to home.

I closed my eyes and tried to pass the time, because my boyfriend was currently sitting on the floor playing with Jon's cats. I don't see why he was so amused with the fur-balls. There was nothing that they could do that I couldn’t do. In fact, I could probably do it better. If there was a cuddling contest, I am sure as fuck that I would win.

I looked up when Jon came out of the bunk area. He walked over and nodded at me to scoot over. He sat next to me on the side seat that faced the tabletop. It was kind of cramped, but I didn't mind. He pulled an orange out of nowhere and casually tossed it in the air, catching it in one fluid movement. He did this for about four or five times more before he started to roll it on the table.

"I thought you missed your cats like crazy and you're not even spending time with them," I blurted out.

Jon chuckled and started to peel the orange. "Is that what's really on your mind?"

I thought about it, "Um, yeah!"

"Hmmm, it's kinda like home," Jon said, he paused mid-sentence to silently ask me if I wanted some of his orange, I shook my head 'no.' He looked over to Ryan, or perhaps, his cats. I couldn’t really tell as the cats and Ryan were like, glued together. "I'm homesick when I’m without them, but when they're around, and I know they are here, it's like, that's all I need--Ross!"

Ryan looked up. And Jon didn’t even ask before he threw him half of his orange, Ryan catches it easily.

He ate a slice of his orange as he walked over to join us. I counted off his steps-- _Two, three, four_. From the time I woke up, which was about four and a half hours earlier, my day only brightened the moment when Ryan smiled around his mouthful of orange and sat across from me and Jon.

Before that moment, I had a hundred of things to say to him, but now, when I had his attention, I couldn’t think of a single word to say, not one fucking word. Hard to believe, but not.

Sometimes I could be the silent type.

I heard Jon sigh, "Let's do something."

"Like what?" Ryan asked as he ate another slice. A drop of juice from the orange formed on Ryan's lip and he licked it away, leaving it looking wet and glossy. I realized that perhaps watching Ryan eat was not a very good thing to do. Not when Jon was sitting right beside me, his body much too close for comfort. And not when Ryan was across from me, so very far away. And it most definitely wouldn't be a good idea, right then, to jump the table and tackle Ryan to close the gap between us. I have self control, despite popular belief. I do.

Ryan was down to the last slice now. He had placed it in his mouth in a hurry so that he could talk. I wasn’t even sure of what he was saying. I wanted to know, but it was like I couldn’t. My brain had lost its capacity to think clearly as my blood rushed down south. Maybe it was because I haven't had any alone time with Ryan all day and then all of a sudden there he was. It was like, Ryan overload, only not, because I couldn’t get enough.

He was right in front of me, looking so tasty in a plain red shirt and jeans, and smelling so delicious with his own unique scent and the citrus that intermingled. And of course, his voice, his fucking voice. So deep. So smooth. Fuck, I knew I was gonna lose it.

And just when I thought that my situation couldn’t get any worse, or my pants any tighter, Ryan did something to drive me to the edge, but not over it, not yet.

He took me there when he casually licked his finger, and fuck, he wasn’t just licking it, but sort of putting it in his mouth, you know? But this was different, totally different. This was something illegal. This was torture, fucking torture. And when Ryan added another finger in his mouth… Fuck.

I was about to explode. Only, I didn’t. Someone had shaken my shoulder and I flinched at the contact.

It was Jon.

"Wuh?" I asked.

"We were trying to get your attention. What fucking planet are you on?" Jon smirked.

"Er.. I umm... I have to um... go, like now." I said. I moved to get up and then I realized that what was going on in my pants wasn't something I should make known. I look over to Ryan--and thank Dumbledore--he had no idea what kind of freak I was. I was fucking twenty-one years old, and I very nearly came in my pants untouched--untouched! I thought fuck, if we ever got to the point in our relationship where we were ready for sex, our relationship would be over.

"Bren, baby, are you okay?" He was asking now.

"I um... yeah, why?" I shrugged it off. I'm not a total freak, I could play things cool. Sometimes. And he called me baby. Notice that? That was like, _wow._

"I thought you had to go to the bathroom or something, and you’re umm…still here."

"Oh yeah, that..." I looked over and noticed that Jon had moved to give me space to leave. He was talking with Spencer now. How much time elapsed? I wasn’t sure.

"Bren?"

"Hmm?" I looked over at Ryan again, he looked worried and I almost asked what was wrong, but then I remembered that he must have been concerned about me. "Oh, umm, it's nothing. I just remembered something… but I forgot. I'll be right back.” I stood up as my earlier ‘problem’ had subsided.

Once I was safely in the bathroom, I realized my physical problem may have gone undetected, but fuck-it, my mental problem was very much apparent. I might as well have a sign with the word loser written all over it in permanent Sharpie ink, firmly attached to my forehead. Or maybe I should just get it stamped like, tattoo style. It probably wouldn't hurt; getting a tattoo on the forehead. I wonder how many nerve endings are up there, not much, I think.

"Hey Bren." The voice was Ryan's, and it was followed closely by a knock on the bathroom door. "Let me in."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"There's only room for one."

"No, two could at least fit," came the reply.

And I wasn’t really thinking when I opened the door. "Who did you share the bathroom with?"

Ryan only laughed when he pushed me back into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. "See, two could fit. And before you ask again, I didn't share the bathroom with anyone."

"Oh yeah? How'd you know then?"

"Well, think about it, Zack fits. I figure he's like double my size."

"Oh." I nod. That's pretty interesting actually. What if Zack was like, quadruple the size of Ryan? And Zack has to fit because there is no place that Zack wouldn't go. So then would it mean the whole band could fit in the bathroom? "Hey, do you think we could fit Spencer and Jon in here too?" I asked.

"Maybe." Ryan shrugged his shoulders. "Someone'll have to sit on the toilet, another on the sink... yeah, it's doable." Ryan nodded, and when he answered, a brief thought entered my mind that he must deal with a lot, when dealing with me. I watched him as he surveyed the room and then as if he felt the heavy weight of my gaze, his eyes land on me. "So, are you going to tell me what just happened out there?"

"Nothing happened; I just needed to go to the bathroom, is all"

"To do what?"

"To take a piss, what else?"

"Oh, how come you didn't then?"

"I so did!"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, okay, geez. Why do you have to be such a smarty-pants?"

"It's all I know." Ryan said this with a straight face. I'm not quite sure if he knew I was only joking.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Forget it." Ryan shrugged. "Just tell me what happened. Why'd you storm off like that?"

"I didn't storm off."

"Well, what-- Did I--I mean, are you like, mad at me or something?"

"What? Fuck no, how could you think that?"

"I just--Okay then, so what was it all about?" Ryan asked as he briefly looked to the floor, and rubbed the back of his neck. It was a nervous gesture of his, which only reminded me that he was real, he was human; imperfectly perfect or perfectly imperfect.

Maybe he would understand what happened to me? But how could I tell him something so... something that could give him a reason to laugh at me and not with me? "I um… I can't tell you."

A beat passed. "Oh, okay then. You um, don't have to tell me," Ryan said, he didn't sound angry at all, if anything, he sounded like he totally understood. "We're um--Are we okay, Bren?"

"Of course we're okay, we're better than okay," I said in a rush and my heart broke at his words, because he sounded kind of lost. I hated myself for making him feel lost. Ryan should never have to feel that way, not if I could help it. So I told him. I told him of how he turned me on, and how I almost lost control. I told him everything.

And after I was done, he didn’t say anything. He only closed the slight gap between us, that the little bathroom allowed for, and wrapped his arms around me.

His chin rested on my shoulder, and my hand made its way to his hair. I cradled his head. We stayed there for quite some time. I felt him bury his head in the crook of my shoulder and that‘s when I became aware of something else. Something wet.

"Ryan?" I whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Are you, are you crying?"

"No."

As much as I didn't want to, I gently pulled away from the hug. And Ryan definitely had tears running down his cheeks. "Fuck, Ryan, I'm so sorry."

"No, it's um, not that." Ryan said as he wiped away the wet tracks. He missed his other cheek.

"Then what?"

"It's just--Don't take this the wrong way, but umm, hearing that _that_ 's the reason for the whole, er, _thing_ back there--Well, I'm fucking relieved."

"Gee, thanks. And here I thought I was being an asshole for not telling you."

"Let me finish. What I was going to say was I was relieved because I thought, I thought you were like... I don't know, over me or something."

Fuck, I _was_ an asshole. "How could you even think that? That's like, sooooo not even it."

"Well, how was I supposed to know? When Jon was asking..." Ryan grew silent and he looked away for a moment. I lifted his face to look into his eyes. My thumb instinctively brushed away the stray tear-track that was still on his cheek from earlier.

"What, what is it?" I whispered.

"Fuck, you must think I’m such a fucking girl," he said with a hint of a smile in his voice.

I chuckled. "You know, I think that out of the two of us, I'm the more feminine one," I joked. And he smiled at that. My heart skipped a beat.

"Yeah, I guess you are." Ryan smirked and chuckled.

"I'm offended that you didn't even fight me on that."

"I'll um… I'll let you win that one. I mean, I can't win them all, have to choose my battles, you know?"

"Whatever," I muttered.

Ryan moved closer to me and started running his hand up my side and it totally caught me off guard, but I'm not complaining as his hand made its way up to my hair. "Tell me Bren, what did you want to do to me out there?" Ryan whispered into my ear and something inside of me took over.

I backed Ryan to the door and Ryan smirked just before I took his bottom lip into my mouth. Ryan groaned as I sucked and licked and sucked the tender flesh. I released his lip, only to start kissing at Ryan’s smooth jaw line and down to the milky span of his throat. I made my way up again, trailing wet kisses.

I leaned in closer, pressing myself against Ryan, and I was totally aware that I wasn’t the only one turned on in the room. Somehow, I was able to remain coherent. "That‘s what I wanted. And everything, anything with you, Ry." I whispered into his ear.

I heard Ryan's jagged breath catch, and it spurred me on. I took his earlobe into my mouth and simultaneously, I worked my leg in-between Ryan's, and oh yes, there was no hiding the fact that I was not the only one that was as hard as fuck.

Ryan’s grip on my shoulder tightened as I swirled my tongue over his ear piercing that hadn't fully closed yet, Ryan shuddered, and the sensation went directly to my groin. I thrust my hips into him and fuck, he pushed back.

I was on the edge again for the second time that day, and I was so very close to falling. Ryan was breathing just as heavily as I was. And his grip on me tightened even more as he rocked up and down with me, into me. And the thought of falling _with_ Ryan…

 _"Fuck, Bren, I…"_

 _I took the break in his words to mean that he wanted more, so I moved to take possession of his lips again. The slow and not so slow slide of fabric and the friction of too much material between us was too much to handle, but it felt so good that it didn‘t matter. I never wanted this feeling to end, and for a moment I thought that it could last forever. That is, until we were ripped apart by our own traitor reflexes when we heard Spencer bang on the bathroom door._

 _"Guys, get the fuck out of there. We've stopped!"_

 _Ryan moved to the door and poked his head out, already fully composed and in business mode. "What's going on?"_

 _"Dylan, she's lost."_

 _"What? How?"_

 _"She just is. We stopped for a pissing break because the bathroom was occu--"_

 _"Spence!"_

 _"Dylan must have gotten off when we opened the door. We didn’t know until we got back on."_

 _"Shit."_

 _ccc_

 _“Jon, we’ll find her,” I said. I’ve never seen Jon so… frazzled, it kind of scared me. I wanted to hug him, but I thought that it might me be too much for him._

 _Ryan, Spencer and the driver all roamed the empty land, looking unsuccessfully for a tree to look behind or a rock to look under._

 _Spencer walked back to us. “What if, what if we drive around the area; she couldn’t have gone that--”_

 _“But there’s like nowhere to look out here. It's nothing but open land.” Jon looked hopelessly at Spencer._

 _“Hey, we didn’t look under the RV!” Ryan called out from where he was standing, not twenty feet away._

 _ccc_

 _After Ryan’s suggestion we all went under the RV, at least as much of us that could fit._

 _Spencer ended up spotting Dylan wedged behind the front wheel. And I was thinking that the cat died and I was already hugging Jon, not wanting him to see. But Spencer pulled Dylan out and she was moving and purring and looking dirty, but she was alive and not squashed at all._

 _Thank god we didn’t decide to move the RV._

 _ccc_

 _“How’d you know she would be under the bus?” I asked Ryan when we’re back on the bus._

 _“I didn’t know, I just thought that it was a good place to hide.”_

 _“Why’d you think she would want to hide?” I turned over to face Ryan. We're squished together in Ryan's bunk, and he pulled me in closer._

 _“I don’t know. I guess if I were her, I would want to hide.”_

 _“Why’d she go underneath a wheel?” I knew Ryan wouldn't have the answer to my question, but talking to Ryan like this, it's my favorite thing to do. My questions, I'm sure people would find annoying, like I'm some three year old kid that wants to know why people stop at red and not on green. But Ryan, I like to think that maybe he appreciates my curiosity._

 _“She wasn’t underneath the wheel, Bren.” Or perhaps I annoyed him a little bit, but he didn't mind, because if he minded he would have told me, or fed me some cheap ass--or in his case, expensive derriere response._

 _“Why didn’t she come out when we were all calling out for her?”_

 _“Scared, maybe, from all the commotion.”_

 _“That’s kind of stupid.”_

 _“Hiding isn’t stupid.”_

 _“No, I guess it's not.” I had let silence take over the room for a moment, as I wondered if maybe our conversation was no longer about Dylan._

 _“Hey, Bren?”_

 _“Hmm?”_

 _“About earlier…” Ryan's voice cracked in his effort to whisper._

 _“Yeah?”_

 _“When I thought I was going to lose you," Ryan paused for a moment and I didn't dare to interrupt as I waited for him to finish. "I, I felt lost.”_

 _“You won‘t lose me. You've got me, I‘m yours.”_

 _"You shouldn't promise yourself to me like that. I could hurt you, you know?"_

 _"Yeah, I know," I said, but I _didn't_ know because I didn't think that Ryan was capable of hurting me. But Ryan doesn’t know this; he doesn't know himself the way I know him. _

And as if on cue, he whispered, “How do you know?”

"Because you think that you can hurt me, and because you think that, you won't hurt me."

"Hmmm, that kind of made sense."

"Of course it did, everything I say makes sense. You just don't always hear me correctly. Hey, speaking of earlier, you said that Jon was asking something."

"Oh, that. Yeah, well, Jon wanted to know what we were uhm, what we uh, you know, whatweweregonnadoforourfirstdate."

"What we were gonna do for our first date?"

"Hey, how come whenever you do it, I can't understand you?"

"Like I said, sometimes you just don't hear me correctly. So about this dating business... howaboutyoumeandtherestoftheworldwatchingusgoatitonthebigscreen so that everybody knows that you are officially mine?"

"Huh?"

TBC


	4. Ryan Saved Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon woos Ryan, Ryan dresses Brendon, Brendon saves Ryan... it's all give and take on a first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to ms_deathbat (from lj), who was not only FC for the third chapter, but also gave me the prompts: tutu, minty chapstick and fanny pack, which inspired me for this chapter. Thank you ms_deathbat, hope you like it!  
> Mentions of Dan Angel "Snow Freak"  
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS WARNINGS THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED SPOILERY. PLEASE CLICK ON END OF CHAPTER "NOTES" IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE WARNED.

ccc

 _So, we're getting to the good stuff. First date kind of good, or bad, depending on how you look at it. If you are like me and see a glass as half full, then you'd think my first date with Ryan was a total success._

 _Half empty people may see it as a total disaster, but I beg to differ as we did make it to our second date. I guess though, saying that is a bit unfair as you didn't know that there was a second date. I’m getting ahead of myself. You don't even know the details of our first date. Well, I guess that will soon change._

 _Imagine that, everything I say, I guess, could be taken at face value. You'd believe me, right? As it is my story, my point of view, my perception. Wow, that's a powerful thing. I guess I'm kind of like… Spiderman, and you know what they say, "With great power comes great responsibility."_

 _Spiderman and I… we understand things like that. And more importantly, Spiderman is Ryan's favorite superhero, true fact. So I guess I'm like Ryan’s superhero in a sense. It could be true, you know?_

 _Well, superhero or not, success or not, it was our first date, and if you happened to see us that night, you might have thought we were crazy. Well, if that was crazy just wait until I tell you about this one time when we thought it'd be fun to out ourselves. To my family, that is._

 _Anyway, back to my first date with Ryan. Be warned, there was a little death involved. I'm not kidding. So, if that’s not your thing, don't read further. If it's all the same to you, read on. But don't say that I didn't give you fair warning._

ccc

"Come on, Ryan, hurry up already! The previews--the PREVIEWS! Ryannnnn, we're gonna miss the previews!"

Three minutes later, or two previews that we could have been watching later, Ryan finally descended the stairs and fuck… if looks could kill, I was surely dead.

It's not as if Ryan was dressed up or anything, actually it was quite the opposite, he was like, dressed down.

I've never seen him look so… so boyish in real life, only in pictures from a lifetime ago, back in his Pet Salamander days. I watched him come to a stop before me. He was wearing a black Famous shirt, a nondescript black hat, and slightly baggy blue jeans. "Wow, you look… cute, hot even!"

"I was going for normal."

"Why?" I said, clearly confused. "Face it, Ryan, no matter what you wear, you won't look normal."

"Thanks, Bren." He said, sarcastically.

"You know what I mean." I smirked as I moved around him, trying to see him at all angles. And seemingly at all angles, Ryan was looking rather delicious. It took me another few seconds to make my way in front of Ryan again. Damn…

"So?" Ryan raised his eyebrow in question.

"I can see your boxers. And they're printed." I grinned and I could hardly contain my excitement. To be honest, I didn't know what I was feeling at this point, excited, turned on, or just positively giddy from feeling both.

"What do you think?"

I put my hand to my chin, and really it was an unconscious movement, and I really was trying to decide what to say. "You never asked me that before. You always wear what you want."

"Yeah, well, I'm trying to fit in the crowd of moviegoers here. We're not recognizable when we're not going out as a band, but I kinda hope that we'll get through this night unscathed. So the less the attention, the better."

"Well, in that case, you utterly fail."

"What? But this is the kind of thing I wore back--"

"--When you were baby Ryan?"

"Uh."

"Is that the same shirt I saw you in on your website?"

"What website?" and then: "Oh--Ohhh! You saw that?" Ryan asked, almost blushing. "Is that site still up? Anyway, yeah, it's the same shirt, I guess."

"Well, not that you got fat or anything, but you grew into it somehow, or it shrunk." I said as I touched the fabric. It was very nice, very, very nice. "It's all soft and worn. Hey, how about a change of plans?"

"Oh no, we're doing this. We need to go out, I'm gonna crack from lack of outside exposure. The walls are closing in, Bren."

"But. Soft. So soft." I said and I admit I was practically rubbing my body all over him, trying to get as much contact as I could.

After a minute or two Ryan gasped, and I thought I may have unintentionally rubbed a certain part of his anatomy to cause such a reaction. So I did it again, intentionally this time, earning another similar reaction. And then much to my dismay, he gently pushed me away at arm's length.

"Don't give me that pout. You promised me a date. And we're going to go on this date. Or I swear I'll--"

"Okay, okay."

"Good, so just tell me if I pass or what. I'm thinking maybe if I can't pull off the look, it'll only cause more attention--unwanted attention like, you know, let's go beat the crap out of that loser, that kind of thing?"

"Huh. I don't think that situation would apply to any of your looks, I mean, you carry it well, whatever you wear."

"Are you just saying that because you're my boyfriend?"

I never really understood how that worked, the question, and what the fuck the answer is supposed to be. I think 'no' is the proper answer but why the fuck would anyone would say 'yes' is beyond me. But then again, I think that’s all part of the trick. "Are you asking me 'the boyfriend' question?"

"Um, no." Ryan said after a moment’s delay. "Come on, we'll just stop by Spencer's," Ryan said as he walked out the door.

"But the previews!!"

"We already missed them by now. We'll just catch the next showing. Come on," he said as he got into his car.

"Hey, wait, should I change then?"

"What? Why?"

"Well, what if someone recognizes me, I might start a commotion," I said as I buckled myself in Ryan's car.

Ryan placed the car into gear, but didn’t pull out of the driveway. He looked at me for a second. "That can't be helped. No matter what you wear I think you'll inevitably cause a commotion."

"So, I'd be recognized causing a commotion."

"But I won't be."

"You're ashamed to be seen with me, Ryan Ross!"

"No, no, it's not that at all. I don't mind being seen with you. I like it, in fact. But think about it, this is our first date. I don't want creepy people snapping photos of private times like that. I just want this to be shared between you and me." Ryan paused as he bit his lip. "I mean, wouldn't you?

"Awww, that's like… damn, fuck, you're turning me to mush."

Ryan pulled out of the driveway as he smirked at me. "I could say the same."

ccc

So, Spencer gave Ryan his approval, but not before having a good laugh and taking me back to memory lane with a story of Ryan and his shirt.

Spencer said Ryan wasn’t wearing a real Famous shirt, it was only screen printed from a five-dollar store. The real shirt that he owned had actually been folded and framed. When Spencer got to that part though, the air seemed to change. Spencer exchanged a significant glance with Ryan, who looked at me a second later.

"Back to the future, Bren, our movie awaits." Ryan smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

It was times like these when I felt jealous of Spencer for the past that he shared with Ryan. He knew exactly what Ryan had been through. And he knew the exact memory that was going through Ryan's mind. Sometimes I wished I was Spencer, so I'd know, and I would be able to pull Ryan close and tell him that everything would be okay, that I was here for him. Of course, though, I didn’t know, not all of it. And I was sure as hell wasn’t going to prod him to tell me. I couldn’t. All I could do right then was hope that one day he would be ready to tell me.

"So, what are you guys watching?" Spencer clapped a hand on Ryan's shoulder. The gesture was something not out of the ordinary, but there was something in it. Ryan had visibly relaxed with Spencer’s touch. When I glanced at Spencer, I thought he noticed that I had noticed because he gave me this look, but I'm not really sure as it was gone before I could figure out what it was.

"The previews, I hope," Ryan said in answer to Spencer's question. He placed an arm around my shoulder and we turned to leave. "Later, Spence."

ccc

We ended up parking the car a couple blocks away from the theater. We walked by the shops and restaurants, not really saying anything, but we were holding hands and it was the best conversation I've ever had. He squeezed my hand when he came to a stop. I looked over and followed his gaze. It was a little mom and pop store. Ryan's eye twinkled.

I laughed when Ryan pulled me over to the shop. I knew he couldn’t resist. When we got inside we saw that it was a thrift store with antique, weird, and weirder being its theme.

Ryan laughed as he held up fake eyeballs that swirled when you shake them.

He placed them back into the bowl that carried them, and went further into the store. He waved politely to the cashier, who smiled and greeted us.

I followed Ryan, and fuck I was glad we came in, everything was there. "Hey, fanny pack!" I couldn’t believe it. I ran over to the rack of assorted bags. "Can you honestly say that you've seen someone in real life actually sport this?"

"No, no, I can't." Ryan said, eyebrows raised. "You could be the first."

"Your first?" I asked, bringing my voice just a little bit lower than usual. There's something about being first. Ryan's first. It made my heart swell. So, naturally, the occasion called for it to be extra special. I reached up to unhook the fanny pack from its display rack, and I made sure to extend my arm so that my shirt rid up, just enough to reveal a line of skin between my low rise jeans and patented red shirt. When I turned around slowly I knew that I played it well. Ryan was licking his lips and his eyes were trained on me, and only on me. I smiled my most seductive smile. "Like what you see?"

"Fuck, yes." Ryan met my eyes now. "Put it on," he whispered.

It may have sounded ridiculous, but it wasn't. Not in the slightest. He stood back as if to get a better view, he crossed one arm around his waist, his other hand came to meet his chin, a half smile played at his lips.

I put it on, clasping the strap around my waist. The pack was a bright kiwi lime color, totally uncool, which only made it totally cool.

"Bren, that's fucking hot." Ryan said without any hint of sarcasm. He walked up to me, his hand went slowly up my arm, over my shoulder, and then down my chest. A finger ran down my stomach until he reached the fanny pack covering my waist.

I momentarily lost my breath when he moved in even closer. I studied his face. His eyes were cast downwards as his gaze followed the movement of his hands. My breath hitched when I felt him hook his finger into the belt strap. He looked up then, and our eyes met. He smirked as he held my gaze. I heard the sound of a zipper and I knew Ryan was working the fanny pack open.

"Looks like I got it _open_. You don't mind, do you?" Ryan whispered.

I felt his breath lightly ghost across my cheek as I shook my head, telling him silently that 'no, no I didn't fucking mind at all.'

His hand was on my side again, his thumb moving in slow, circular motions on my hip. "What say you, I fill it up with something?" And I don't think that he was just talking about the fanny pack.

"Fill. Yes. Please." I guess I was reduced to one word answers.

Ryan reached behind me, his shoulder brushed mine as he grabbed something. And no it was not _my_ behind, sadly. It was a lollipop, which he waved in front of me and placed it in my fanny pack, a smirk played on his lips. I so wanted to lean in and just kiss him. But he turned around then, and walked back to the isle of weird assorted things. I moved my way over to the weirder things.

Every now and then, Ryan would walk up to me, brushing a hand over my shoulder, my arm, or my side as he moved to add things in the pack. Each time his touch lingered just a little bit longer. I'm not sure if he was trying to kill me, but if he was, I wouldn't have minded this torturous death.

Several minutes passed by like this, until we met again in the middle of the shop. I was holding a feather boa when Ryan found me again. "We've got way too many of those." Ryan said as he turned around to look at a shelf of books.

"Says the man who has more scarves than shirts." I smirked. And this time, I walked up behind Ryan to whisper in his ear. "You know, you smell good," I said as I leaned my chin over his shoulder. I chanced a look at the lady at the register and she seemed to be working on a crossword puzzle so I figured we were safe. I guess Ryan decided it safe as well since I felt him lean back, into me. I wrapped an arm around his waist.

"Oh really?” came the soft reply. “Do I smell--what was it? Slutty?"

"That's what Spence said. And no, not like that at all, but it _does_ make me want to do slutty things to you."

"By all means then, don't let me stop you," Ryan said, dropping his voice to a whisper. He turned around to face me and I took advantage of the face time, and pulled him in for a kiss. I kept it chaste, our lips barely touched as I breathed his scent in. He chuckled as he grabbed my hand that was slowly creeping up beneath his shirt. "God, Bren." He pulled my hand out from under his shirt and pulled me further into the store. The act itself was all very exciting, but what excited me even more, was the look in his eye. The look totally screamed, 'Brendon Urie, you're about to get extremely lucky.'

We passed a rack of shoes and ended up somewhere at the back of the store. Ryan was walking backwards, facing me, his fingers interlaced with mine. I smirked as he hit the wall behind him. I raised his hands above him and pinned them to the wall. He laughed as I claim his mouth again. I lightly ran my tongue along his lip to silently ask for permission to enter. He granted me full access. Our tongues slid against each other. He tasted refreshing.

"You're minty."

"Mint chapstick." He answered with a grin. I never really was a fan of mint, but I have to say, it quickly became my favorite flavor.

I took a moment to lick his bottom lip and I could taste his smile. "Mmmm." I tried to get even closer, my hand went to grip his hip and--

"Are you two boys finding everything okay?" A woman's voice tore us apart and we both whipped our heads towards the register, which wasn't in our line of vision anymore, and neither was the lady. We craned our necks and saw that she had started walking towards us. I shared a look with Ryan, who grinned, and when the lady made her way over, he politely asked for her help.

"Actually, yes, thank you..." he said as he pointed above him. "This display here, is it for sale?"

"The ballerina outfit? Yes. I don't really have a price for it, you know, I believe certain items in the store just can't be priced, normally items find their owner."

"So what's the story behind it?" Ryan asked, and he sounded genuinely interested. It was a tutu, mind you, but I think he really wanted to know. I watched Ryan as he nodded at the appropriate times and even asked the lady a question or two as she went into detail of where the tutu came from and how it came to be here.

I glanced at her and then back at Ryan when I felt that the room had gone silent. Ryan was looking at the tutu and he reached up to retrieve it. "I'll take it." Ryan smiled.

The lady, who looked like she had teared up at some point, giggled and swatted Ryan's arm. Playfully.

ccc

Ryan actually set the price, the lady was more than happy to accept the offer and we walked out of the store six hundred and twenty dollars lighter.

"You know, you could have offered her less. See this," I pointed to my fanny pack. "Twenty bucks. And it includes everything in it. It's called haggling, you should try it sometime."

Ryan looked at me as he swung the big brown paper bag between us. "I know what haggling is. But for this, it was worth it, you weren't listening to her story were you?"

"I was too."

"You were not. You were too busy staring at me the whole time."

"Wha--I was not!” I retorted, but I could tell that Ryan wasn’t buying it. “Er, how did you know?"

"You were laying the gaze on pretty thick, it's kind of hard _not_ to feel it."

"I so wasn't." I muttered. I caught Ryan rolling his eyes. "So, what's the story then?"

"I guess you'll find out soon enough." Ryan smiled and I noticed belatedly that we were heading to the car again. And before I could ask, he was unlocking the door. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the car and gently pushed me against it.

And before I knew what was happening, Ryan's hand was in my hair, his other was on my hip, holding me to the car, and to be honest, nothing would have gotten me to move from my place.

ccc

"You have got to be kidding me."

"You say that as if you haven't worn stranger things before."

"But this is you, wanting me to wear it."

"All the more reason for you to wear it." Ryan said, smiling up at me as he adjusted my skirt. Yes, I said skirt.

Ryan had this idea that I should try on the tutu we got from the store. I still have no idea of his reasoning behind it.

"At least you still got your pants on." He pointed out.

"Is this some kind of kink you have?" I asked, still disbelieving. "Wait, if it is, were you like strangely turned on when Dan dressed in a tutu and crashed our stage?"

"No. And it's not a kink, just an experiment." Ryan grinned. "Although, you do look rather hot."

"I always look hot." I waggled my brows and wrapped my arms around Ryan's shoulders. Ryan laughed and wrapped his own arms around my pink tutu covered waist.

Ryan leaned his forehead to mine. "Come on," he whispered against my lips. He gave me a chaste kiss and then pulled away. "Come on."

"Huh? Wuh-why--what?"

"Date's not over." Ryan smirked.

"But we were just getting to the good stuff." I called out to his retreating form.

"I promise this would be just as good." He replied without looking back.

"Let me take this off first," I made a move to undress before Ryan could reach the front door.

And that got his attention. He paused mid-step and turned to face me. "Leave it on, come on, it'll be... fun."

"I'd rather not have someone beat me up on our first date, Ross. I look like—Well, I look like a fucking fairy.” I said, needing to stand my ground.

"I like fairies." Was all that he said as he walked back to me and took my hand to lead me out the door. And somehow I moved.

"Wait," I pulled back before we stepped out. "I forgot my fanny pack!" Ryan stood by the doorway and waited for me. Damn right, I could be assertive.

ccc

We ended up walking to the park and it was deserted. Thank the powers that be.

Ryan hurried over to the swing. For a moment, I forgot who I was with.

I followed and sat in the swing beside him.

And before I asked, Ryan answered: "Today... today, is actually my dad's birthday."

I nodded and waited for him to talk. Words didn't come again for some time, but when it did, the words were few, but the few words were heavy, solid, thick, and there was no mistaking the meaning behind the words.

"Growing up, it's easier than you think." Ryan pushed off, setting himself into motion. "Swing with me Brendon." Ryan called out.

I backed my swing up as far as it could go before lifting my feet completely off the ground. I used my weight to quickly get up to speed to match Ryan's.

When our swings fell into sync, Ryan looked at me and laughed.

The sound was contagious and I found myself out of breath, laughing along with him. My swings became sloppy from shifting, and before I knew it, I was down when he was up, and when he was down I went up. For a second there was this moment, where something clicked when we passed each other, our gazes somehow met. It was only for a second, laws of physics didn't allow for a second more, but it was all the time that I needed to realize that this was it. This. Was. It.

Ryan might not tell me everything, probably never will. I found that I was okay with that. I didn't need anything more, so long as Ryan was with me.

I had unconsciously slowed to a stop, and I could hear Ryan talking again. He had stopped as well.

"So, the tutu story, believe it or not, it was the most far-fetched story I have ever heard of, but I gotta say, it makes you think that maybe, maybe it did happen."

I was about to ask him what had happened, but then three guys came into the picture.

"Hey, check out the homos on the swings!" One of them called out.

"And one's in a fucking dress!" Another one yelled as he pointed. The other one, beside him, laughed.

I was about ready to jump out of my swing in a rage when Ryan's hand came into my line of vision. I looked over, and before I could speak on our behalf, Ryan started talking before I could get a word in.

"Why don't you come over here for a better look and call me a homo to my face."

"As if I'd come close to you, who knows what I'd catch," the guy said, but he was walking towards us anyway. With each step, he got closer and closer to us.

I looked over at Ryan and wondered what the hell he was thinking. My adrenaline was pumping and I was ready for anything. But apparently, as I sat frozen in my swing, I wasn't prepared for when the guy got close enough to where I could see his face.

I didn't see it for long though, for as soon as I was able to make out his features, he dropped out of my line of sight. It all went by so fast. Ryan had ducked out of his swing and got down to pull the guys feet right from under him, so that the man fell backwards onto his back. The thud of his head hitting the floor is what pulled me out of my shock.

I looked up to see where the guy's friends have gone, but they weren’t in sight, the fucker's friends had left him. Served him right.

"Ryan, are you--" I started and then glanced at Ryan, who was straddling the guy. He was sitting on the man's stomach, bunching a fistful of his shirt as he hovered above him. The guy looked ready to beg for mercy as he tried to struggle to break free, his hands were trapped under Ryan, who held them down under the weight of his body with his knees. The more the man tried to pull his hands away, the more Ryan crushed his hands into the gritty ground.

"You fucking fuck!" The man bit out in between breaths, as Ryan had one of his hands at his throat, seemingly, cutting off his air supply.

How could Ryan hold down a guy who could easily pass for double of his weight? Well, I have no clue, but I think part of it had to do with Ryan's look that screamed _murder._

I didn't hear Ryan say anything after he got the other man on the floor, but he got him where he wanted him, and I don’t think Ryan had to say anything to make the other guy want to shrivel up and die for insulting us. "So, now that we're face to face, what were you saying?" Ryan was asking now, he released his grip on the man's throat.

"I was--I..."

"What? What was that, gonna apologize?"

For a brief second I thought that he would do exactly what Ryan wanted, but then it seemed that the question only drew him out of his shock. "No, fuck no, get the fuck off me, you fucking fag--"

His insult was cut short as the hand that once held his throat was now in his hair. Ryan pulled it to lift up the man’s head off the ground, only to slam it back down again onto the floor. Thud.

"Fuck! Fuck, what are you some kind of--"

"Shut up and apologize, you fucking piece of shit!"

Thud went his head, again.

And then, and then Ryan got him.

"Okay, okay, fuck, just stop."

"Say it."

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Fuck, my head! Please… just get off." The man said. And I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Get the fuck out of here," Ryan growled out, as he lifted off the man.

And as Ryan went to stand, it looked as if the guy was debating whether or not to strike, and that's when I moved forward, ready now to attack if necessary.

But Ryan, of course, had the upper hand, and by the look on his face, it seemed that he knew of the possibility that the situation might not go as planned. If there was even a plan. In any case, he looked confident.

The guy pushed himself to a sitting position and rubbed the back of his head. "Fuck."

"No thanks," Ryan said. "I don't fuck homophobes."

And the guy had the audacity to laugh as he got up on his feet.

I moved closer to Ryan in case if something were to go wrong, horribly wrong. And how the fuck was Ryan looking so calm, as if he knew he had everything under control?

The guy took another step forward, and Ryan didn't even flinch as he drew near.

"Get the fuck away from him!" I said, finding my voice now.

The guy looked at me; he actually looked at me from head to toe, and grinned. I tried to look intimidating, but I knew I failed before I even said a word. I was, after all, wearing a pink tutu. It was a good thing thought that I had my fanny pack, at least that was cool. He looked back at Ryan, "I uhh, I'm really sorry." He said.

Ryan lifted up an eyebrow as he folded his arm across his chest. "Of course you are. If you weren't sorry, I'd likely rip your fucking balls off."

The guy puts up his hands, as if surrendering. "Ouch," he said, smirking now.

What. The. Fuck? _Is he like, flirting now?_ I couldn’t believe it.

Ryan didn't say anything, and the guy took the silence as a cue to talk again.

"So, uhm, are you guys from around here?"

"No," Ryan said.

We were actually just a block over.

"Pity, well, next time you're in Vegas come to Stakes sometime. I'm Marcus, by the way. And you are?" He asked this as if Ryan didn't just slam his head into the ground three times.

"None of your business." Ryan replied, as he backed away now and sat on the swing again, looking bored.

"Right. Of course." The man nodded and then turned to leave.

Again, what the fuck?

"What the fuck just happened there?"

"Fuck if I know, you saw it happen. The guy's mental." Ryan shrugged as he started to slowly swing again.

I saw it happen all right, but I had no idea what I saw right then.

ccc

When we got back to my house, Ryan went over to our DVD collection. An assortment of movies. I'm not even sure who owns what. We've accumulated the collection as a band, while we were on our tours.

"What you want to watch?"

"I don't know, anything." I said as I took off the tutu and threw it on the table.

"You don't have an opinion on what you want to watch? That's a first." Ryan quirked an eyebrow.

I joined him on the couch. "Tell me about the tutu."

"So now you want to know? Well, according to what the lady told me, it belonged to a transvestite," Ryan started off. He had my full attention. I nodded.

Ryan chuckled, brought his feet up onto the couch and leaned into me, so that we were huddled in the corner of the couch. "He wanted to be a dancer, a ballet dancer. He thought he would be ridiculed for being male so he dressed as a female, thinking that way no one would know.

He learned to dance; he was a natural--had the grace, the beauty, and he had the audience. He was on top of the world and no one knew, not even his family."

"Surely, someone knew." I said, already knowing that the story couldn’t end well, but I waited for Ryan to continue.

"No one." Ryan whispered. "That is until his father found out… He had seen a flyer that featured his son as the main attraction at the next show. His son may have been dressed as a woman and going by an alias, but the father recognized his son, like a father should."

"Wait, don't tell me, the father freaked and stopped his son from dancing," I said bitterly.

"No, actually, he didn't."

"So it's a happy story then?"

"Just let me finish." Ryan swatted my arm.

"I'm not stopping you." I grinned.

"Okay, so, his father didn't freak. Didn't even yell. As the story goes, the father only wanted the best for his son. His son is the only thing left of his wife after she died. So, when he found out, he decided to watch him perform. And on that night, he brought with him... this tutu." Ryan sat up to reach for the pink material that was on the table in front of us and lifted it up, displaying it. He ran his fingers into the fabric. "This tutu belonged to the boy's mother. As it turns out, the boy’s mother was quite the popular ballerina back in her day."

"Looks like he takes after her."

Ryan smiled before he continued. "Even if the costume wouldn't fit, the boy's father had to tell his son. He had to tell his son that he didn't need to hide, that he would understand, that he was proud that his son carried the same gift that his wife had--dance." Ryan's voice dropped to a whisper, and then: "It was said that the father, who didn't believe in anything but rules and guidelines, work and no play, fell in love with a girl, who danced her way into his heart."

"Aww that's so sweet."

Ryan nodded. "So, the father made his way to the theatre, stood in back and watched his son dance for the first time." Ryan cleared his throat, he looked at me for a second and then his gaze drifted to his hand that was idly running through my hair. A few more seconds passed before he began again, his voice this time sounded far away, distant. "After the performance, the dancers lined up to take their final bow. The show was a success. People standing, clapping. The applause didn't die down for minutes, minutes that felt like hours, and at the same time, like seconds. You know the feeling?" Ryan said not as a question, but as fact.

The soft, smooth lull of his voice continued, his gaze was focused straight ahead, but I'm sure that what he was seeing was the very scene that he was creating with his words. "The boy, dressed as a girl, took another bow, or curtsy, rather, as the audience screamed out his stage name. It was beautiful. The father cheered silently in the back and watched until his son disappeared behind the curtain."

"That's beautiful."

"It is." Ryan nodded. "There's more to the story though. The father had waited outside for his son to come out through the backdoor, knowing by experience that the dancers never exited the theatres through the front door. Not for this theatre anyway. So, the father waited and waited. He watched other dancers leave through the door. He dared not ask whether they knew of his son, even they probably didn't know that a boy was among the all female cast of ballet dancers. He didn't want to unwittingly out his son. So, he waited. He waited until he couldn't stand any longer, so on heavy legs, he went in. He found his son's private dressing room by a piece of paper that held the boy's stage name. And pushed the door open." Ryan licked his lips, his voice cracked as he tried to find his words. "The father... he walked in and found his son naked, broken, and dead on the dressing room floor."

Fuck.

"Six stab wounds lined up the boy's chest." Ryan continued. "The father had to bury his only son. He then killed himself two weeks later."

"Fuck."

Ryan didn't say anything more, he just leaned his head in the crook of my shoulder. I looked down at him, and wondered if he was always this small.

Not wanting to break the silence, but needing to know, I whispered, "Why buy the outfit, Ryan?"

"The lady said that the father left a note, it was actually a card, probably written the night he was to give the costume to his son, it read: _'To my gift, perfectness isn't meant to be disguised, but worn, even in a world with imperfect eyes.'_ "

I looked at Ryan and for a moment we just sat there, unseeing as we let our minds run away from us.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"I had fun and all, but could we like just go to the movies the next time we go out?"

"It's a date." Ryan chuckled.

"Ryan?" I asked again.

"Yeah?"

"You made that all up, didn't you?"

"What makes you think that?" Ryan said as he yawned.

"Well, did you?"

"You say that as if I could come up with something like that."

"Because you could."

"I wouldn't have paid six-hundred dollars for a dress that had no meaning, Bren."

"Yeah, yeah, you would." I said.

"Bren?"

"Yeah?"

"You believe there are people like that, right?"

I thought of my own father, and even if he wasn't exactly accepting of my career choice, I never doubted his love for me. "Yeah, the world is full of 'em."

Ryan nodded, and for a second I saw his smile meet his eyes. "Thanks for being my ballerina tonight, Bren."

"Don't mention it. Really, don't." Ryan nodded as I said this, and I realized, belatedly, what he really meant. I was caught off guard, but that's okay, because there's still time for these moments.

"Awww, come on, you were a beautiful ballerina." Ryan laughed as the moment passed.

"Sometimes I think that you only want me for my looks." I rolled my eyes. And I kissed Ryan's temple.

"Not even, I also love you because you bring in the money." Ryan laughed, and then as my eyes go round at the 'L' word, he stopped laughing abruptly. I think he realized what he just said. "I mean..."

"I know exactly what you mean, and I feel the same way. I love you because you can slay vampires if you wanted to." I know he knew that was not the reason why I loved him (well, not the main reason, anyway), but I figured if I let him slide on his slip-up, he wouldn't do something stupid, like retract it.

And his bashful smile told me that my cover-up worked; he was going to let me, let him get away with it. I mean, declarations of love aren't necessary, not yet anyway. But if he happened to slip again, like, while we are on our second date or something, I would call him on it. Using the 'L' word on second dates are totally fair game, at least when you've been in a relationship like ours.

So, second date here we... come?

Haha, if only you knew.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS HATE/VIOLENCE/HINTS OF CHILD ABUSE. AND A STORY THAT INVOLVES CHARACTER DEATH OF AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER.


	5. Ryan Virginated Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to behind_the_sea1, who gave me the prompts slide and vanilla, which inspired me for this chapter (it's mentioned subtly, but it'll play a larger part in the next chapter).

_What to say... What to say about my first time with Ryan?_

 _Okay, here's the thing, I'm not good with words to begin with. We all know that is Ryan's forte. I think he already wrote about it too. It's probably hidden somewhere in his notebook, scrawled in his curly handwriting._

 _I'm sure whatever he's got down on paper will be far more better than how I could ever tell it. He'll know how to describe every lingering touch, every passionate kiss, and every hitch of breath... Everything, just everything. I know he'll say it beautifully with words I can't even spell, much less pronounce. But they'll sound pretty, and written in verses that don't need to rhyme because every fucking syllable would sound as if it is poetry with flowers and probably silk buttons or something totally meaningful like Capri Suns._

 _But he's not telling this story, sorry. And to be honest, our first time with each other, it wasn't anything mind blowing. It wasn't earth shattering. It didn't play out like a chick-flick where everything was picture perfect. It was far from it, in fact._

 _Now, don't get me wrong, I think, I think in the awkwardness, in the way that everything didn't click into place, made the imperfectness perfect._

 _I wouldn't have it any other way._

 _The memory is ours._

 _So, you won't find my first time with Ryan written with my two cent words. I wouldn't do the memory justice._

 _What I will say, however, is what happened about eight seconds after._

ccc

"That was... that was fantastic. That was wow!" I said just as Ryan slid off of me.

Ryan laughed as I rolled with him so that I was lying on my side, facing him. I propped my head on my hand so I could see him better.

"I mean, don't you--"

"Bren, if you ask me what I _think_ you are gonna ask me, I'll never sleep with you again," Ryan said with a straight face. But I could tell that he was kidding. He pulled me to him and rested his head against mine.

We stayed like that for a few moments; being. Just being together.

"It was unbelievably fantastic," Ryan breathed out in a whisper.

I smiled.

I had sex for the first time with a guy. And it was perfect. It being with the one that I loved for ages is only icing on the cake. And the cake, it's the best damn cake I've ever tasted.

After the sex, I felt this overwhelming urge to just go on and on and on about the sex. I mean, why not? I had sex! I had sex with Ryan Ross! It was an event worth celebrating.

So, that's exactly what I did. I breathed in the air around me. I distinctly remember the scent of vanilla in the air when I helped Ryan take off his shirt. But the scent that lingered after was purely us. I had licked my lips and closed my eyes. I slid my hand up Ryan's chest and felt his breath hitch slightly when I brought it to rest atop his heart. I liked how I was able to feel the rapid, even beats against my hand. I never want to forget this moment.

"Does it hurt?" Ryan asked after some time. I thought he had fallen asleep, but maybe he was doing what I was doing, just trying to take everything in, trying to memorize how everything felt right then.

"No, not really," I said into his skin. I placed tiny kisses on the shoulder that I was half leaning on. "I could umm, I could show you how it feels, you know?"

"Would you make it feel good?" Ryan laughed, but it sounded like a different kind of laugh. And for some reason I got this feeling that he was about to say something else, but probably changed his mind because he didn't think I would want to hear it. I remembered thinking to myself that I wanted to hear it all. I really did.

I looked up to meet his gaze. And I saw the corners of his eyes crinkle.

"I wasn't your first, was I?" The words were out of my mouth before I even realized my thoughts.

Ryan attempted another laugh. But this time it didn't sound genuine. This time it only made the sinking feeling in my chest, sink deeper. "Bren, you know I'm not a virgin." He said this like a joke, but it sounded like a cover up to what he didn't want to say earlier.

"To girls, Ry." I said as I sat up. I looked at him. He broke eye contact and fiddled with the sheets. The look alone confirmed what I had figured out. Ryan had slept with a guy before, and it wasn't me.

I wasn't his first.

ccc

I don't know how I came to leave the hotel room. I don't know if words were exchanged. I don't know if he tried to stop me. I don't know if I wanted to stop.

All I knew right then was that I needed to just get away. I was still putting on clothes as I walked down the hotel hall and I didn't even realize that the shirt I pulled on was not mine.

ccc

"Hey, Bren!"

"I don't want to talk about it Spence!" I said as I passed him in the hall.

"Okay, yeah, whatever." He said as he tried to match my strides as I tried to get out of the hotel. "Look man, I know tonight is like your big night with Ryan and all, but Zack told me to give you a heads up. There's been a change of plans and we're leaving early tomorrow, like five-ish."

"Right. Okay." I said under my breath as I tried to quicken my pace. I really didn't want to speak to the guy right then. Right then all I could think about was that Spencer knew about Ryan and he didn't even think to tell me. I shook my head and realized that, of course, he wouldn't tell me. He’s Ryan's best friend, and although Spencer is my best friend too, they will always have a different kind of relationship between them. "Look, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

Spencer grabbed my arm at this point. "Wait. What's wrong? What happened?" Normally, Spencer isn't the type to prod and I thought about not telling him. He is, after all, the kind of guy that would give you your space, because he expects for other people to give him his space.

"Nothing," I said as I shrugged my shoulders and tried to look indifferent.

Spencer narrowed his eyes. And, fuck-it, he already knew. "Where's Ryan?" he asked.

"Umm...." Really, I didn't want to say anything. Damn him for being there. Damn him for not telling me. Damn him because I couldn't blame him for not telling me. Damn him because I couldn't tell him what was wrong. Damn him because he wouldn’t have understood.

"Shit, he told you, didn't he?"

The question caught me off guard. But then again, why wouldn't he have figured it out?

"That's the thing,” I blurted out. “He didn't tell me. He doesn't tell me anything."

"Bren, you're an idiot."

"Thanks, Spence, good to know." I threw back, I thought for a second that Spencer was going to hit me, but he didn't. I watched the tendon in his neck move under his skin. It was kind of creepy. What was even creepier was how he didn’t say anything. He just looked at me.

"Hey, Spencer!" I called out when he turned to leave.

I watched Spencer shake his head as he walked away, without even sparing me a glance back.

 _Did I miss something?_

TBC


	6. Ryan F&cked Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon loves Ryan, maybe a bit too much, maybe so much so that it could mean the end to their “Ryden Love Story.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I used the words “vanilla” and “slide” prompted by rainxdrops12 for this chapter. Thank you!!  
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS WARNINGS THAT ARE CONSIDERED SPOILERY. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THE WARNINGS, PLEASE CLICK ON THE END OF CHAPTER 'NOTES'

_There's this line in a song that Ryan wrote,_ "You could love me if I knew how to lie." __

 _While a person is left to figure out that line, I was left trying to figure out the person._

 _I was lost after finding out that Ryan had kept something from me, and it was something important, “first time” kind of important. So, his first time was with a girl at a time when I didn’t even know of him yet. And sure, I know of a string of other girls that he’d slept with. But that’s not the point. I was supposed to be his first, the first guy who he absolutely loved enough to turn gay with. Okay, so that’s not how it works, but—damnit! It just is, okay?_

 _First times are important._

 _Now, I didn't lose my own virginity to Ryan per se. No, some girl who I can’t honestly remember the name of has claim over that. Not that there was much to claim, I admit._

 _But, my experience with Ryan, well, that’s different all together. Sleeping with Ryan felt like how a first time_ should _have felt like. It felt like unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Ever. He… virginated me._

 _Don’t laugh. There’s something to this. I guess you have to sleep with Ryan to understand. Don’t take that as a literal suggestion._

 _Or there will be words._

 _Speaking of words…_

 _As the story went, that night with Ryan there was a definite lack of it after the sex. I guess that was the reason why I felt so gutted. It wasn’t the silence itself, but the meaning of the silence. What it held, or rather, what it didn’t hold is what hurt the most._

 _He should have let me understand…_

ccc

"Hey, Bren," Jon called after me. I waited for him to catch up before I boarded the tour bus. "Where the hell is Spencer? He just left last night and didn't even bother with his shit."

"I don't know, maybe he's with Ryan."

"Ryan?” Jon asked in confusion and then with a plastered grin, his face brightened. “Oh, hey, how was the, uh, big night?"

"I've had better," I muttered.

"You're kidding, right?" Jon asked, disbelievingly, as he passed by me to climb into the bus. I thought he was going to start asking questions about 'The Night.' But he changed the subject. "Spencer didn't answer any of my calls. Well, if he's with Ryan they better get here, Zack's coming for roll call," Jon said over his shoulder as he tossed Spencer’s bag into the bunk area.

"Listen, Jon."

Jon looked at me, and I thought he noticed that something was off.

I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted by his cell. "Speak of the devil," Jon declared after pointing his finger to the screen of his phone. He jumped up onto the counter before answering, as if speaking with Spencer required sitting. "Hey, where the fuck are you? Bren--" Jon was clearly cut short. He then looked up at me and nodded into the phone, as if Spencer could see him. Knowing Spencer, he probably heard the affirmation anyway. What was Spencer telling Jon? I was sure that he was telling him all about my night with Ryan. How it ended so badly.

Jon ended his call a few seconds later, "See you, then."

I looked at Jon questioningly, maybe Spencer didn’t tell him.

He cleared his throat and told me that Spencer and Ryan drove themselves to the next venue and that they’d meet us there.

ccc

I dreaded meeting them at the venue. Imagine how awkward it would be. It was more than awkward, it was downright painful.

Spencer gave me the evil eye and Ryan, Ryan acted as if nothing even happened, as if it was an ordinary day. When I entered the room he was doing voice warm-ups. He merely tilted his head to acknowledge my presence. There was no show-down, no screaming and no slammed doors.

Ryan just strummed his guitar and hummed the rest of his song. That was that.

I glanced at Spencer again. He was still giving me the evil eye.

I glanced at Jon. He was looking from face to face, his eyes narrowing. I practically felt him adding it all together in his head. I guess Spencer didn’t tell him. And I thought Jon was giving me the benefit of the doubt during our silent ride to the venue. Given I slept three-quarters of the way.

Anyway, he didn't ask. And I never found the words to tell him.

Jon plopped himself in the nearest chair, his eyes were still shifting. "Hey, Smith." Spencer turned his head to face him. "Got a knife?"

"Sorry, Walker, tension this thick can’t be sliced," Spencer muttered.

Zack came in a second later. "Smith, Ross, good to know you're alive. Now, prepare to die because after this show, I'm going to kill you both.” Zack pointed his finger at Ryan and Spencer for a significant amount of time, to deliver just the right amount of serious threat. And then: “Meet and greet in ten," he announced and left.

I allowed myself to glance back at Ryan. He was tuning his guitar again.

For some insane reason, I wanted to sit by him and pull him close to me. I didn’t get it. I should have wanted to hate him because he didn't tell me that he was with a guy before. And that's kind of like telling a lie. I hate liars. Only, I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t.

Ryan was strumming his guitar, singing random lyrics and chewing gum. I sort of wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t dare to. I do have some self control, you know?

So, I made my way to the changing room slash restroom, but not before yelling out: "You suck, Ryan Ross!"

ccc

On stage, Ryan was still acting as if everything was normal. He acted as if I didn't storm out of the hotel room that we shared the previous night. He acted as if I didn't just throw a tantrum in the dressing room. (Yeah, some toilet paper rolls and toilet seat covers were harmed.) And he acted as if I was not trying to get his attention on stage. I mean, how dare he? _He_ should have been the one to try and get _my_ attention, wasn’t he?

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to kiss him.

'Lying' was up next.

When he asked who was single in the audience, he raised his hand as well, but of course the action could have been to just direct the audience.

He glanced at me then and I took the mic. I said what I normally say: 'I am single blah blah blah' and before I even thought about it, I told the audience: "Dudes included!" It was only after when the music started and the screams were borderline deafening that I realized what I said.

I searched the stage for Ryan and I found him playing in front of Spencer, his back to me. I wasn’t sure if he heard but when he turned around again, I caught his gaze. I almost forgot my cue to sing.

ccc

Ryan was the first one off the stage that night. He left so quickly that I couldn’t spot him backstage.

I asked Zack if he saw him after leaving the stage, “I killed him, have you seen Spencer?” was his reply. Damn him.

And why am I the one wanting to look for him? Shouldn’t he be the one looking for me, trying to get my attention to tell me he was sorry?

I was about to head outside when Jon stopped me before I could push open the door. “I wouldn’t,” Jon said as he pulled me aside and into a vacant store room.

I thought he was either going to hug me or punch me. He didn’t do either. “Go on,” was all he said.

He wanted me to talk. I kind of wished that he would hit me instead. Don’t bother asking why I thought I deserved hitting, I don’t rightly know. “I’d rather not talk, Jon.” I turned to leave, but his grip on my arm held me still.

“Look, I don’t know what went down between you and Ryan and you don’t have to tell me, but dude, I think you need to just let him go.”

“’Let him go? Let him go, Jon!?”

“For now, I mean. Let things cool down.”

“There’s nothing to cool down. Things between us are so cold that—-Look, I get that you’re worried and all, but--Fuck! Why does everyone look at me as if I did something wrong? It was Ryan, okay?! _Shit_ , I don’t even fucking know.”

Jon only nodded, and the act was so simple that I realized I kind of lost it. I loosened my grip on Jon’s shirt and stepped away.

“I don’t even know,” I whispered, not really caring if Jon heard me. “Ryan kept something from me and that hurts, and yet I feel like a fucking _idiot_. Earlier, up on stage, Ryan had this mask on, but he let it slip. There were no tears, but fuck, I know he was crying.” I knew I probably wasn’t making any sense. “I’m so confused, Jon.”

“Well, have you tried talking to Ryan before he left this morning?”

“I didn’t know he left… I left him.” _I left him._ Damn.

ccc

It took me a while before I could leave the room. Jon had left some time ago, I told him to give me a minute. It took about seventy-eight minutes.

When I opened the door and took a step out I was pushed back in. I heard the door slam a second later.

“Ryan?” Ryan didn’t reply. He nodded once, his eyes darted at everything around the room except at me.

“Ryan,” I repeated. “Last night, I—-"

“Bren,” he finally said. “I’m sorry.”

And there was my apology, but it wasn’t an apology. This was something else, something I didn’t want at all.

“I fucked up, Bren, I know, I—-" His words were cut off with a bitter laugh. “I do that, you know? Fuck things up.”

“Wait, Ry, don’t,” I said, not wanting to hear anymore. His gaze finally locked with mine. “I shouldn’t have left, that was stupid of me.”

“That’s the thing, you leaving; nothing wrong with that. I would have left too. I shouldn’t have let us get this far.”

“'This far?' I repeated, hating the taste of the words. "Ry, I don’t want to end this, we’ve only just started.”

“And already I hurt you. We’re too different. There’s so much I want to tell you, but it’s too hard. It’ll just make you want to hate me, that is if you don’t already, and fuck I’m so damn selfish that I’d do anything for you to love me, but that… that’s the thing, you can’t or it would be a lie.”

“My love is not a lie, Ryan,” I bit out, angry now.

“How could it be love if you don’t know me?”

“I know you and I still fucking love you.”

“What if I told you things that you don’t know, things that nobody knows?”

“I’ll still love you. I want you to tell me everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.” I confirmed.

“This will be the end then?” Ryan challenged, but it was laced with hesitancy.

“I’ll see to it that it won’t end.”

“You won’t understand.”

“Try me.”

ccc

Our second time was nothing like the first. No butterfly kisses. No vanilla scent wafting in the air, clinging to our sweat slicked bodies.

Just bite marks, which lined up my neck and shoulders and fingernail tracks that ran down Ryan’s back.

And just at the end of it, when our bodies managed to slide down together, our limbs entwined and words were exchanged for the first time since Ryan told me what had happened one night with one of his Dad’s friends, a night which took Ryan’s virginity along with his ability to trust love for what it’s worth. I’m going to show him the truth about love, though, and prove him wrong.

“You’re right, Ryan.”

Ryan chuckled as he clung to my back. The kisses finally came. His tongue soothed the sting of the marks that were left on my skin.

“Hate is definitely the word to use,” I said, wincing at the soreness that was beginning to settle in place. “Do I know you yet?”

“That’s not even half of it,” Ryan said as he began stroking up my sides.

He was hard again, as his cock pressed against my thigh.

I bit my lip as I spread my legs to let him settle in between. I wrapped a leg around his calf and pulled him on top of me. He dipped his head to whisper in my ear, “My first perfect time was with you last night.”

Did you hear that? He said his first perfect time was with me!

Fuck, I love him so much it hurts.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: IMPLIED RAPE.


	7. Ryan Loves Me (or the last chapter, but not the end to my love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it, believe it. Or not.

_This is why this story exists._

ccc

"Okay, okay, it's Ryan's turn. Truth or dare?" Pete said between laughs, but when his gaze fell on Ryan, there wasn't a chuckle to be heard. I noticed this _look_ right from the start, when Pete first saw us, when we were nothing but a garage band.

Pete Wentz was more awestruck to meet Ryan than we were of meeting him. Okay, well, no, we were all just as excited. It was fucking Pete Wentz! But I think that it's fair to say that out of the four of us it was pretty obvious, he was more interested in Ryan.

I thought it was a bit unusual, but then I remembered that this is Ryan Ross we're talking about. Everyone is at least a little bit taken away by him. Ryan affects people. Once you meet him, there's no forgetting.

It may not even be about his looks, though you have to admit he's fucking hot. Well, aside from his looks there's this thing about him. This thing that pulls you in. I haven't figured it out yet.

And seeing Pete pay even more attention to Ryan, even more so than usual--and that's a lot, lot--I'm going to find out what it is that is so captivating about Ryan. Not that I was jealous or anything, but I was scared that I might lose him and that--THAT can't happen.

I looked around the room. Jon. Bill. Travis. Mike. Michael. Patrick. Andy. Spencer, bingo. If you want to know about Ryan, you speak to Spencer. Common knowledge.

"Hey, Spence."

"No."

"No?"

"The answer is no." Spencer confirmed.

"You haven't heard the question yet."

"Exactly."

"What are you talking about?"

"I didn't hear the question--the dare. None of us did," Spencer explained.

"Dude, again, what the hell are you talking about?"

"You were gonna ask what Ryan's dare was, right?" Spencer nodded towards a corner of the room.

"Wait, Pete dared Ryan? Ryan took one of Pete's dares? No one takes a dare from Pete!" I looked over at the two in question, just as the crowd erupted in laughter.

"Hey, Bill!" I ran over to William, who was seemingly on his way to get another drink. He raised his empty cup to me as I approached him.

"Hey, how come you’re not game?"

"Didn't feel into it."

"You should be. It would be your first time playing with Ross as your boyfriend."

"Does it change things?"

"Didn't everything change?" William grinned.

I didn’t know where he was getting at with this line of questioning, so I nodded. "Hmmm. So, did you hear Ryan's dare?"

"From Pete? No, I wish though, it's been a long time since anyone accepted a dare from Pete."

"What was the crack-up about?"

"Gabe's truth. Ryan asked him if he--"

"Oh wow, are you serious? Never would have expected that," I said, nodding, not really caring. But just so you know, no one takes a truth from Ryan like no one takes a dare from Pete. Ryan has a way of getting a person to reveal the worst (depending how you look at it) and most secret things (also depending how you look at it) out of you, without you even realizing until it’s too late. Right now though, to tell you the truth, I wasn't paying attention to what Bill was going on about Gabe or did I cut him off? Oops. It's not important anyway.

ccc

I remembered what I was going to ask Spencer later on that night.

But I didn't get to ask when Pete cornered me.

"So, you and Ryan?"

"Yeah, yeah. So, he accepted your dare?”

“Yeah.” He said, too quickly.

“You mind telling-—“

“Fuck no.”

I kinda wanted to punch the stupid grin off Pete’s face that may or may not be too large for his body.

ccc

It took me another hour and twenty-eight minutes to find Spencer again.

"Spence, where the fuck did you go?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, didn't know I had you for a stalker. Had I known, I would have made it easier for you. Maybe leave a gummy bear trail."

"Please, that would be such a waste of gummy bears. Maybe skittles, I don't really mind for Skittles. Or, no, I take that back. I’d eat the gummy bears anyway."

"I'll uhh... I'll keep that in mind. Have you seen Jon? He took my chips."

"Yeah, I saw him talking with Mike."

"If he's sharing MY chips, I'm gonna kill him!" Spencer said as he walked off. I was tempted to call him back and distract him because Jon actually gave me the potato chips, and I ate them all. And if Spencer killed Jon, then we would have had to find another bass player, again. And since I ate them, he might have killed me too, just for the fun of it, and who the fuck could replace me?

"Hey, Patrick!" Spencer yelled across the room.

Anyhow, I thought it best that Spencer and I kept our distance, at least until he was in a better mood.

ccc

"No way, Gee, that's just not possible!" Even as I said this, I knew that perhaps what Gerard said was true, that Pete probably dared Ryan for a fuck or worse, a kiss.

"Anything's possible, take Gabe and Bill for example, when dared didn't they--"

"Fuck..." And fuck, I didn't need that image in my head.

"Exactly."

For just about the rest of the night, I ended up asking around, looking for where Pete and Ryan had disappeared off to.

And then I ran into him. Again. The one I was trying to track down.

"Spence, you're not gonna get away from me until I ask you what I need to ask you."

"As-away." Spencer drawled as he looked up from the sofa with a goofy smile. "Whats-yuu-wanna-knoww?"

"Well, I just wanted to know... the thing is... I'm scared. I mean about Ryan, he's like this--"

"Brendon, say no more--hey, did you know that your name sounds like Ben?”

“Suuure.” I said, unsurely. I carefully extracted a cup of who knows what from Spencer’s hand.

He pulled back and for a moment I thought that he was going to hit me, but he placed his hand on my shoulder and pulled me in. He hugged me.

“Don’t be scared, Ben, I love you, but not the way Ryan loves you or the way Pete loves Ryan… Wait, you ate my chips, you fucker!”

“Umm, no I didn’t.” I turned around and I kind of ran away.

ccc

I ran into Ryan.

“Hey, Baby, been looking for you,” he whispered into my ear.

“You have?”

Ryan nodded and took my hand and led me out of the room.

And into a dark room. I wasn’t sure what kind of room or whose room it was. But whether I knew or not didn’t change what happened next. Ryan kissed me just as he closed the door behind us. His lips crashed onto mine and our tongues met. I could taste the alcohol on his lips and I think he tasted the cigarette I smoked earlier because he pulled back for a second. I couldn’t see him. It was too dark but I could imagine his nose crinkling in distaste. I opened my mouth to mutter an apology, but I didn’t have the time to say it before his lips met mine again. He pulled me flush against his body. The kiss was earth shattering.

The door opened—- _FLASH_.

ccc

[EPILOGUE]

_The flash came from Ryan’s phone. Pete took the picture. A great, memorable moment. A terrible, pixilated shot._

_Ryan grinned as he looked at the picture, then he turned the phone around for me to see._

_I don’t think I said anything; I just let the scene unfold before me._

_Ryan looked at Pete and Pete looked at Ryan._

_“You don’t have to do it,” Pete half whispered. But the whole room, filled with my friends--my family, heard. I’m sure of it._

_“I’m not backing out of a fucking a dare, Pete, especially yours.” Ryan grinned back. And then he faced me and smiled. “And even more so... I'm doing it because Brendon Boyd Urie, Peppababy, I love you.” He placed a quick chaste kiss on my lips, and I vaguely remember the _awwwwws_ and whistles as Ryan looked at me as he pressed the send button on his phone, sending the shot to the band’s blog._

The picture of us kissing in the closet was posted on a very public page as if it were nothing and everything, outing us to the world.

This is the story of our love. This is how I saw it all happen, and believe it or not, this was just the beginning.

ccc


End file.
